Monday, April 30, 2007
A Reflection on My Resentment
I spent a very enjoyable Saturday dancing at Union. A big thank you to all of you for all your encouragement. I had forgotten what it was like to completely lose yourself in a dance. Thank you for making it all come back again.
Right…now that my words have turned around and bitten me back hard in the ass, let me try to justify my previous posts and ill-feelings toward the dance. As usual, this is a very raw piece and isn’t censored very much. So please, try to read with an open mind.
As mentioned before, my problem with salsa is complicated. I have split up the following post in a number of sections for clarity. I do hope that you will be able to make it all the way to the end. :D
Apologies to those who don't salsa. I promise my next post will be abt something bitchy, entertaining and not about salsa.
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Last Saturday was almost magical. It's been so long since I was last able to just dance with wild abandon. To let my feet just move on their own without having to think of styling or shines or whatever...simply fantastic.
I think I managed to experience the true spirit of salsa on Saturday!!! :D
Truth be told, prior to last night, too much of my energy and time had been spent thinking about the technique of dancing. I'm just a stickler for such things. For me, once I decide to do something, then it must be done perfectly, or at least to the best of my ability. This applies for everything in my life and that’s why I look like a crazy woman during Bodycombat class at the gym.
I need to give it my all, if not, I don't see a point even in starting.
So, for salsa, it’s really important that I am on beat, my turns are stable and my footwork correct. I am not saying that my dance technique is good..far from it actually ( I make up for it with sheer athletics) , but just that I think
it’s very important to to do the best I can and only stop when I cannot get any better.Right now, I know I still can improve and so that’s why I keep pushing myself to get even better.
I have heard a lot of people say that I should just enjoy the dance…but unless I know I am doing it right and to the best that I can, I can’t enjoy it.
Maybe it’s a matter of pride, or just my ego talking, but to goof up in front of a big bunch of people is really difficult thing to accept for me. So, at least, I wanna be sure that if I goof up, it’d be a small goof up. Not the land-on-my-butt type of goof up.
The need to look good is very real for me.
Oh, and I don’t want to just dance. I want to DANCE.
The light-up-the-floor type of dance.
Yea, pride is one of the seven deadly sins, I know. But what to do? If you want to dance well, you need to work at it. It doesn’t just happen like that ma.
Everyone can look good on the dancefloor…it’s just whether a person is willing to spend the time, effort and energy to do so. And I know I can.
Jp’s objective (as I understand of now) is just to dance socially. I don’t really think the need to perfect the dance ranks as highly on his list of priorities as it does on mine. He definitely has no intention of joining any competition.
But him, being my bf and dance partner de jour, this mismatch of objective is a problem.
It’s almost as if I want to move forward, but he is happy to remain where he is. This sounds silly, but I worry that if i become a better dancer than him, I will one day find dancing with him unchallenging and he will cease to be my perfect partner. Even as we speak, I already find some of his turn patterns stale.
I hope this doesn’t come across as presumptuous, but doing the same-old same-old is not very fun nor challenging. I know it’s difficult for guys to come up with something different all the time, but repetition sucks all the same.
Doing the same thing all the time does not help you improve. It just makes your dance all the more routine. Dancing with jp has become rather routine.
I don’t want to leave jp behind. I really like dancing with him because as my bf, the chemistry is amazing. So, I ended up dragging him and pushing him to improve..to extent of criticizing his posture, his dance stance, his lead and so on. I’d be frustrated when moves are not executed properly and he makes (or so I think) excuses for them.
Not a very nice thing to do and I sincerely apologize for being such an anal-retentive person.
Anyway, I understand now that not everyone aims to DANCE. And it’s wrong of me to expect otherwise. Everyone has their own personal objectives and every objective should be respected equally. Each individual learns at their own pace and it is wrong expect that everyone can pick up something new at the same rate as I do.
But I really do wish (unrealistically of course) me and jp could progress as a couple at the same rate and have the same goals.
I think I just need to stop looking at jp as my partner de jour and continue on my own. I think this way, he will not bear the brunt of my frustrations and dancing will be more enjoyable for both of us.
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Other than being the perfectionist, I felt very
obligated to go down to Union every week, despite whether I felt like going or not.
Going to Union was The Standard thing to do.
I would tell myself that I needed to go Union to practice, otherwise my moves would get rusty and I wouldn’t be able to follow well anymore. Dancing with more advanced dancers would prove difficult and I would have to start back at square one. I don't ever want face the problem/issue of looking and dancing like i've been dancing for 3 months when in actuality, I have been dancing for 1 year.
No progress is still okay. Regression is definitely a no-no!
Last Saturday, I discovered that I do I had internalized the basics of salsa to some degree..and while the first few dances were kind of off (which dino very happily pointed out), I’m glad to say that by the end of the night, I was very happily dancing with Johnny on the main dance floor.
I totally had no idea what the hell i was doing but I enjoyed myself immensely. Probably I was too engrossed in following his lead to care if I looked like a squid on fire. Though I don’t think I was particularly graceful, I don’t think I looked thaaat bad lah.
Which means to say, technique doesn’t just disappear if you don’t go Union every week. You just need more time to warm up before dancing with an experienced dancer. :)
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Other than going to Union to practice, sometimes I would end up at Union because jp wanted to go. Either because he already promised some people that he’d be going and going back on his word is a very “not man” thing to do, or because he was just dying to dance cuz he had not danced all week.
Point to note: Because of his line of work, jp has ridiculous work hours. Meaning to say, he generally meets his clients on weekend AND after office hours. Which leaves little time for me. Divide this time among gym, family, outside friends, his own stuff to do and salsa and you will see how much time we really can spend together.
So, in order to see more of him, I’d just go to Union with him even if I didn’t feel like it. Which naturally brings on resentment. You can read more about how annoyed I was
here,
here and
here.
So, salsa on weekends and certain weekdays became VERY routine and after a while, I just resented it.
I’ve yet to speak to JP about his stupid work schedule but rest assured, I’m doing something about it! He’s also stopped trying to “make” me going Union and lets me decide more on what to do on weekends so we’re on the right track. :D
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Ok, that’s all I have to say about my feelings. A long post indeed. Thank you for making it all the way to the end.
See you on the dancefloor soon!
XxX,
audrey at 13:07