Wednesday, April 30, 2003
Harlow everybody!
Okay, im like down to my last paper....Psychological Research Methods and Statistics!!!!!! Yay! Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just realised that its really pretty difficult to find a job now..i have like sent out tons of emails with my resume and nobody has replied yet...hmm, or maybe im just not qualified..but anyway, my holidays look pretty gloomy now that i cant find a job and am thus strapped for cash. Sigh.
Oh, guess wat? In a fit of boredom, i signed up for a webpage and well, i guess will be trying to figure out html codes and webpage building stuff this holidays if im not working. Hehe...make a wild guess what's the URL of my website...heh...its
http://missbeh.allbullshit.com . Don't bother clicking on the link as yet (well, not till i say so) cuz there really isn't a single thing on the site. Don't believe me? Go ahead and click then :)
Ah...i couldn't sleep again last nite...which was pretty shitty. Anyone who has suffered from insomia will totally understand how i feel. I seriously am hoping that i am just suffering from exam stress and/or boredom and not right out insomia...(got a feeling i am spelling insomia) incorrectly..
By right, sleeping 1 hour in 2 days is ok if u have nothing to do and the only thing you need to do is shake legs. I slept like for 1 hour, got up, went to school, sat for my Computing paper, went back to Causeway Point, studied till 8.45 then went home. The weird thing is, im not sleepy now either. Now...what is wrong with me?????????
If i don't go to sleep soon, i may begin to suffer from hallucinations (im not exaggerating, it's true and proven psychologically). I Also realised that my reflexes are slower and i have an increased number of typos. my sentences are also abit jumbled and "off". Do you think so??
Think i had better go and try to catch a few winks before i really embarrass myself here. Take care n be well.
XxX,
audrey at 00:10
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
good morning good morning!
My, i am up bright and early this morning! That's relatively unlike me. So what happened? I had to send my brother to school and so by the time i brought him there and came back, i was too far awake to go back to Zzzland.
Oh, im now down to 4 more papers and i'll b home free!! Great, isn't it?
I just came to a realisation when i was lying on my bed (yeah, why do i always think stupid things when im supposed to be sleeping?!!! Anyway...) that actually sleeping isn't such a bad thing. You may say that well, everyone knows sleep isn't a bad thing so what so earth-shattering about your discovery? You see, i had always thought that sleep was a major waste of time. But now..i think differently. I shall now proceed to explain why.
As the best story-tellers say, start at the beginning. Well, I used to be an early bird. Maybe it was because my biological clock had been programmed to wake me up faithfully by 6.15am everyday so that i could get to school on time (hey, i was seldom late for my 7.30am morning assemblies hor!!) so i naturally would wake up early on weekends and public holidays. And i couldn't imagine why anyone would want to spend a good part of their morning sleeping! Why, i always felt that there were so many things to be done i.e. watch cartoons, eat breakfast, read newspaper. Or even go for a morning walk. What i couldn't understand was, how could anyone sleep till 3pm the next day? Or take super long afternoon naps in the afternoon (duh!). I thought these people were boring (cuz they had nothing better to do than sleep all day) and weird (why sleep in the day when everyone is up and about? There's so much shopping to be done, places to go, yada yada yada..)
But now, i think otherwise. I think that have the ultimate lie-in on a hot afternoon is the best. Afterall, the places can wait till nightfall when it's cooler and funkier.
But really, i think its because i have too much time on my hands now so i have become lazy. I mean, what's there to do by yourself (don't even think of anything naughty) when your friends are either at work or at school and only finish in the late evenings? Afternoon TV programs are no-brainers and my pet hamsters themselves sleep in the day. Can't call anyone to bother them, lest i get them fired from their job. And going online gets boring after a while. So really, sleep's not so much as a necessity, but rather something to
do
.
That kinda led me to wonder, would a prolonged period of late mornings, brunches and long afternoon naps become so ingrained in me that i would reject an offer to hang out in the afternoon in the future??
MY answer? NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!! How? I think i am gonna get me a hobby or pick up something new. I guess that'd do the trick!
XxX,
audrey at 08:43
Friday, April 18, 2003
:)
XxX,
audrey at 00:52
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Good news!!!!!!!!!
My brother found my hamster and it has since been returned safely to its cage. Im so happy!
:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
XxX,
audrey at 23:51
Monday, April 14, 2003
Guys, i just lost my favourite hamster. It escaped sometime during the day and left behind his brother, Star, in the cage. i discovered the case of the missing hamster (Stripe) at 2315hours.
Actually, im really upset. i feel like i lost my boyfriend or something similar to that. im soooooooooo upset. Where can it be?? Can't quite be bothered to type out this blog properly cuz im too upset about losing Stripe. Damn it, he never tried to escape before. im afraid he might have jumped off the balcony ledge..i left he cage in the balcony today before i went to school.....
Stripe...where are you?????????????????????? Come back................................................................
Oh, and to just to update you in case u were wondering, i did manage to get up this morning to get to school ON TIME! im so proud of ME!! (In case u are wondering what the hell im talking about, read my last blog)
XxX,
audrey at 23:31
helo!
Its been a while since i last wrote in here but i had been busy preparing for my term-end exams. Actually, my term exams have not begun. In fact, they are going to being in exactly a week's time. (for the really interested, they start on the 21st). I am supposed to be
sleeping
right now but because (i think) to the tremendously amount of stress i am experiencing now (ok, so its my fault for snowballing everything to the last minute, but hey! i reali couldn't help myself y'know...yah right! hehe..), i CANT GET TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, that felt a little bit better. Its like 1.40am right now and i have a 10am class tomorrow (exam tips preparation class at that) and i have to crawl up at 8am latest and i CANT GET TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry, i have to keep doing that but suffering from "stress insomia" is really bad.)
AND i got MOZZIE BITES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great. Just great. Hey, wait! im supposed to stop whining (according to my last weblog entry) so okay, i'll look on the bright side. I can write a really long weblog that will ultimately bore me (and you, the reader) to sleep. hah!
Okay, i was lying on my bed, trying to sleep but i couldn't and thoughts just popped themselves into my head. I hate the fact that you cant control your thoughts. I mean, you can control nearly anything (a loose term of speech, of course) but you cant stop yourself from thinking about something. In fact, the more you try not to think about it, the more persistent and naggy the thought becomes. The fact that you are trying not to think about it shows that you are already thinking about it. Annoying isn't it?
Personally, i think there are 3 options:
1. Think of something else. Preferably happy. (usually doesn't work unless your other thought is supremely happy)
2. Face your irritating thought head-on. Reason it out.
3. Do something about that irritating thought. Act on it.
So how does all this "thought" thing fit into this weblog? Well, i had LOTS of irritating thoughts while i was lying on my bed just now, and i tried method 1. Didn't work. In fact, it created more irritating thoughts. So i proceeded to method 2. Worked only 50%. I got confused halfway and couldn't remember what i had thought earlier and kept going round in circles, repeating the same points in my head. Eventually, i came to number 3. I can trash out all my nonsense thoughts here. And guess what? You get to read them! :)
IRRITATING THOUGHT 1
I've been wondering for quite a while whether or not to do this and decided (while lying on my bed trying out method 2) that i should. Although this goes against what i said previously about privacy and all that, but i really don't quite care at this point of time because...well...............i'll use pseudonyms.
Essentially, im just pissed because a certain someone by the name of, say, Glenn owes me money ( anywhere between $400-$600, SING dollar, mind you!) and refuses point blank to service his debt. I am mad because i lent him the cash out of goodwill and trust. And naturally, (as all bad B grade movies go) he violated our verbal contract of him returning me the cash in full. You may say that i was asking for it because i shouldn't have believed that nasty bugger's assurances and should have kept all the receipts, but looks can be
reali
deceiving. Of course everyone knows that one should never judge a book by its cover, but being the sucker that i was, i fell for it. He acted so much like the poor emotionally abused kid whose rich parents refused to pay for his education and betterment. Now i know. A little late, but well, i don't think i'll fall for the same trick twice and well, i think that's good enough for me. Actually, what i wanted to do was to publish
all his misdeeds online so he and his gross mom (yes, i hate his bitch of a mother too. BITCH!!!) can read it and get really hoping mad but changed my mind after i typed all of the above. I think that if he ever
comes by this weblog and reads this, he should seriously do some soul searching and ask himself whether he is really the gent. he professes to the world to be.
Ah well, no use crying over spilt milk. I'm trying to let this episode be a "bygone" in my life (u know the saying "Let bygones be bygones"?) but its kinda hard. Hehe, i keep hoping the money will turn up. Can't help it. I kinda reali miss my few hundred bucks. Oh well, on with irritating thought no. 2....
IRRITATING THOUGHT NUMBER 2
I need to apologise to a certain someone for being mad at him while i shouldn't have. The problem is, i can't apologise to this person because i promised another significant person that i wouldn't contact this person again. So i'll just do it here. Pardon me if this doesn't make sense to the uninitiated. Here goes...
I'll admit i am sorry because i know i didn't really have a basis to be really mad. And i am sorry too because, well, i left without a good explanation. I think i do owe you at least this much. After thinking about it some, (and Time aiding as a coolant for my temper) i think that you're much better in this current situation/arrangement than in your previous one. I realise that i shouldn't have been mad because i didn't have the right to be mad and was mad at the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Essentially, I should have been mad at myself but well, you were the convenient hitting post. I guess i still have to learn that i can be wrong. I think anyone (apart from those who have achieved sainthood) would have done what you did and wouldn't have been able to stop themselves from blurting stuff out unintentionally or otherwise. Im sorry for judging you so harshly because i believe that i have been guilty of the same things i accused you of, sometime before and will be again in the future. In anycase, i too would like to take this opportunity to wish you good luck and best wishes.
Alrighty...i got that out of my system. Argh.......its 2.30am!!!! and im still perky. this is so great. i think i had better lie on my bed again and try to get to Zzzland one more time. If i really cant make it, i guess i'll either come back here and bombard this space with more irritating thoughts, or i'll hit the books. Hmm...actually, i think i should have just hit the books just now instead of coming here and dumping a tirade of thoughts on you..hmm.........
Anyway, good nitez..and...see u after my exams (they end on 2nd may, yay!). Please pray i dun come back here before they're over. tata!
XxX,
audrey at 02:35
Monday, April 07, 2003
helo! Erm, i didn't not to pursue the "bengs n lians" thing as i said i would in my last entry...kinda lost steam over the last few days but anyway..
Someone i know recently lost both his parents and possibly his elder sister to a deadly disease and i feel really sad for him. I can just imagine the pain that he is going through right now and i don't think that my imagination comes anywhere close to what he is feeling right now. I really hope that he can pull through this difficult time and emerge as a stronger person. While it is really much much easier said than done, there's nothing much that i can do for him right now. Apart from offering him my condolences, pretty much everything i say are just words. A bunch of useless vowels and consonents and pauses.
However, through his painful experience, i realised that we should really treasure every single moment we have. For me, i should really start to learn how to appreciate being bored. maybe the thinking process should be: if i am happy, then great, im happy. if i am bored, at least i am not pissed. if i am pissed, at least i am not mad. and if i am mad, at least i am not sick. if i am ill, then at least i am still alive. ok, thats my resolution..to make the best of the situtation and try to quit being such a whiner.
tata!
XxX,
audrey at 22:51
Friday, April 04, 2003
hieeeeeeee....
Okay, i got my tag board up, not much business though. :( Anyway...
Its kinda weird cuz while im totally unprepared for my exams, and should be scared as hell right now becuz i dunno anything, i am actually happy that my exams will be coming soon. I think i got the "the sooner they're over, the better attitude". So much for my honours.
Speaking of honours, i seriously wonder what it'll do for me. What i do know is that it will increase my pay by a few hundred (assuming i get like at least 2nd upper) but what good will it
really do? I'm not even sure what do i want to do. You know, i really wish i had the guts and/or passion to pursue a really funky career like theatre (passion) or be an entrepreneur (guts). Unfortunately, i fall short of
both! That's really quite sad. I really hope i don't end up working in an office for the rest of my life, having to contend with difficult collegues and/or boss. I think i'll just die
.
I have always wondered how the so-called "delinquents" of society pluck up enough guts to do what they do. Like, how can they just run away from home when they know that this move may adversely affect their future? And how can they submit so totally to their passion, throwing caution to the wind? At times, i really admire their pluck.
i think these "ah bengs and ah lians" are really social labels; meaningless, useless, rude and stupid social labels recklessly given out by educated people who are ironically
ignorant of
real street culture and values. Actually, sometimes i get kinda mad
for these bengs and lians (like now). Admittedly, some of these bengs and lians do deserve such labels because they
are gangsters but i feel that the majority of them are really misunderstood. While i do not condone many of their actions (yes, i think staring incidents are childish and stupid, but hey! staring is so
passe!), i feel that they have many other qualities are really quite admirable. Please don't get me wrong and think that i am an "ah lian wannabe" as you read this. I am not. But then again, that really depends on your definition of ah lian...i sincerely hope your definition of an ah lian is not so narrow that it includes all girls who wear fitting, cheena clothes..if so, i guess maybe u should stop reading this blog right now..
Im angry because people (especially the educated) condemn them as useless, uncouth, irresponsible and stupid just because of a label. I think it is horrible that they are condemned because they are not academically inclined. I am also angry that because of stereotyping, many of them are not getting the chance that they deserve. I think it is so ironic that even the very educated fall into the trap of sterotyping. I thought that education would broaden one's horizons of life but i have been proven wrong. I think it is all very well that we can sit in our classrooms and discuss how terrible discrimination is, but yet we practice it in our daily life. Like, how often have we thought "oh, he's so beng...i bet he wouldn't be able to understand what is XX."
What i admire about these people is that they are down to earth, friendly and sincere. Of course, this is not applicable to every beng and lian you come across, but i would say it is pretty applicable to most of them. If anything else, at least they are not pretentious. I hate the PR-ing we have to do. Call me bias, but i really feel that many people in school (especially in the Uni) are kinda materialistic and superficial. Im sorry if this blog offends you but this is how i feel. Im really hoping that i'll be proven wrong soon.
Uh..actually i got lots more to say, but no time to say it, think i'll continue on my next blog...see ya!
XxX,
audrey at 20:56
Thursday, April 03, 2003
*scream* try as i might, i cant get my msg board up so u guys can say stuff in reaction to what i say. how entirely frustrating. if anyone knows how to work the dumb html codes...............great, you cant contact either cuz u dun have any way too..er...............what should i do???? ok, here's wat...email me at piggy@somethingorother.com k?
XxX,
audrey at 23:08
help..im bored..and stressed..and maybe a little depressed as a results! Dunno what to write cuz im depressed, but can't not write anything becuz im bored. Sigh, i had to come by here to make my mark...
XxX,
audrey at 12:37
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
helo..helo...
Ok, i was just thinking to myself now that the SARs is getting more serious. Its not the death part that's scary. its the isolation that worries me. You see, the minute they suspect you of having SARs, they put u in quarantine and if u really get it, you are put in an isolation ward. Noone is allow to come and visit and u are too sick to get up even to the window to try get a glimpse of ur friends and family. Imagine if u are down with a high fever for like 2 weeks, drifting in and out of consciousness, and when u are conscious, u are left to contend with the fact that you will be dying alone and may have caused some of your loved ones to share the same fate with you. I think that's the most terrible part of SARs. So totally alone...
Anyway, i think i am just being a tad too morose for my own good and shouldn't carry on talking about such stuff anymore. Lest i make people even more paranoid. Actually, im pretty paranoid myself..haha..(think those who have been hanging around me lately should know what i mean. :P ) and am seriously thinking of wearing a mask. Just in case. Sigh, it must be because i have too much time to myself to think stupid philosophical thoughts. Hmm...actually i think maybe my philo. professor should be proud of me. I actually absorbed some of what he said! Hmm....now i am impressed with myself! :)))
Neway, I was just wondering to myself (yes,
again), when should we draw the line between telling a casual friend some juicy detail of our life when this particular piece of juicy information concerns you as well as someone else at the same time? Should we do a "tell all" since the pertaining issue concerns
you, and hence this gives you the right to tell? Or, should we not tell at all, since the issue concerns someone else at the same time, though admittedly, you do have the right to. Or, should we limit our stories to
only our close friends? Should it be a "free for all" thing? I realised that (with some enlightening from a close friend) that it doesn't take much for anyone to pour out their life stories to you. With that said, should i even be pissed with someone for indiscriminately "telling" since they couldn't help it? Or could they?
Uh oh, i realised that you probarly can't quite make sense of my last paragraph since its kinda written out of context. Im sorry...i'll try to be clearer next time. I keep running into this problem because i don't want to mention names and make this blog overtly personal. Wait, blogs
are personal. What i mean is that i don't want to overstep into the privacy of the people i know and are refering to in my blogs. Better? Not really. Oh, what the hell. Just take it that my next blog will be better.
XxX,
audrey at 11:12