Wednesday, July 12, 2006
spinning back into life
I went for my last (in case you were wondering, there were only 3 classes in total) spinning technique class today.
Man,
I suck at spinning.
Personally (though I hate to admit this because it's so goddamn embarassing), I don't believe that I suck at alot of things. Well,
maybe i don't suck at alot of things because I only do things that I am good at. Which is really the wrong attitude to have in life - to only do what you are good at cuz then you miss out on alot of other good stuff. But then, maybe i am just naturally talented (which is far more unlikely). But WTH.
Anyway, I discovered (to my utmost horror!) in the 3 spinning classes that I suck at spinning and keeping my balance.
Never in my life have I ever admitted to myself that I am bad at something. Never. I have never tried something to the best of my ability and then still suck at it.
Seriously....this came as a real shock to me. When I flunked Math in school, I knew it was because i was lazy and didn't put my mind to it. And it was true, because though I fail Math all the way from my first common test in Sec 1 to my Prelims in Sec 4, I managed to score an A1 for E-math in the 'O' levels.
Same for everything else in my life. I have always believed that if i really put my mind to it, it'd work out in the end. And so far, i haven't been proven wrong. Until today.
But today,
I felt like such a failure ( i have NEVER felt like a failure in my entire life before. Ever.). To have all my flaws (bad posture, wrong spotting, feet/ankle not close to each other, etc.) pinpointed in class.
I was really at the point of giving up...it was like
i'd try and try for that 1 to 1 1/2 hrs and it'd still be wrong.
The worst part was, something so simple as getting my back straight, shoulders back and down, I couldn't even get right.
Then, as I was disconsolately walking home and trying to stand tall (aka correct my posture), it suddenly dawned on me that
i have been having the wrong attitude toward life all this while. The epiphany came when I finally (yay!) managed to get the correct posture. Meaning to say,
I was really and truly standing tall...AND was feeling tall as a result.With the new posture, I felt like I was a
completely different person. I suddenly felt like
I was in control...and wasn't hiding anymore. I felt like Vincent (whom I incidentally quite admire because he is so forthcoming and so extremely confidant). It dawned on me that
my posture is really a reflection of my inner self. If I walk around with my back straight but head down with eyes on the floor, having the right posture was pointless.
With my head up, looking straight and walking upright, I realized that
it really didn't matter that I sucked at spinning and maintaining balance. It didn't matter that I was at the bottom of my spinning class. Neither did the fact that I need like 100 hours of practice to reach even average standard really bother me.
I felt confidant!I realized that
I take failure just too personally and seriously. In fact, I realized (for the first time, thank you) that I take any kind of failure or criticism too seriously. So seriously to the extent that
I hide my real self...in fear of breaking any social norm, pissing someone off, angering my boss and so on. I realized that I have been too afraid of speaking out, of being myself and was letting the situation control me rather than me taking charge. Shit, I don't even look people in the eye when I talk to them.
I realized how
pathetically insecure I really am/was. I realized that I was really really very insecure and
just a ghost of who I really can be. For the first time, I truly admitted to myself that I am an insecure person.
It may be surprising to you that I say I am not a confidant person with a generous dose of self-esteem...considering that I am relatively extroverted. Or maybe you already know and just chose to keep quiet. I dunno. But it's true.
I think I hide too much. Am
too fearful of being embarassed or being wrong. Which means I
hold back, and constantly
live in fear. When I say "fear", I don't mean mortal fear. But the crippling, pathetic fear that makes you hold back.
Anyway, I decided there and then that
I am not going to be afraid anymore.
Because when I am afraid when there's really nothing to be afraid about, the only person to lose anything is me.
Henceforth, I am going to stand tall and be strong.
There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong to be myself and there's definitely nothing wrong about being wrong or failing.
So
thanks alot Vincent, though u'd probably never read this. I really walked away with something very valuable from your class...and it definitely has touched me in more ways than one.
XxX,
audrey at 23:51