Thursday, April 28, 2005

screw it.

I think i'm screwed up. I also think i have led a really screwed up life. Emotionally, that is. How? Well, i'll get to that part in good time. Anyway...

I was reading my friend's blog yday..and came across this particular post that had something to do with backstabbing. She also asked how hypocrites could sleep at night for saying untrue and nasty things about other people.

First and foremost, i fully sympathize with my friend. Because i live such a screwed up life, I'm sure that there's alot of stuff that i am sure is circulating around about me (which i, fortunately, have yet to find out) of which i am also sure isn't really very pleasant at all. But then again, I ask myself...if i had led my life in another way (and by that i mean the little miss goody-two-shoes way), would there be less to go around for the gossip mongers?

Now, I have no idea what has been said about my friend..and i am not defending anybody here nor am i supporting any particular claim against my friend (yes, i decided putting up disclaimers are generally a good idea.) but i am of the opinion that generally what goes around comes around. If it isn't true then there's no point being so bothered by it. You're just wasting energy chasing down rubbish. Besides, your true friends will know what's real and what isn't. If they can't tell...then what sort of friends are they? Get rid of them!

If you are worried about what your future friends think of you, then seriously...why make friends with people who have an ear glued to the grapevine all the time and who don't take the time to ascertain the facts?

We don't need a multitude of casual aquaintences. What we really need is just a handful of true friends. I'm glad to say that i have found mine. You guys know who you are. :)

In my humble opinion, it is the easiest to laugh off and ignore the untrue bad stuff said about you. What is really really much harder is to swallow the bad stuff that you really did when it hits you in the face. It's quite hard to deny something when your face turns red because you are guilty you know. At least i haven't mastered the trick yet. Pointers, anyone? I'm just awaiting the day that all my dark secrets come tumbling out of my closet.

Anyway, as i was saying...i lead a really screwed up life. Academically wise, i think i've done fairly well. At least i'm graduating with a degree this semester. Unfortunately, everytime i think back about what i have done in the past (and some of the stuff i am doing now), i can't help but cringe. And the worst part is, i don't really think i am any the wiser for it either. Shit.

It's really difficult to move on into the future when the past keeps pestering you, you know.

XxX,

audrey at 01:58

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