Tuesday, February 15, 2005

fear nothing but the mundane...

Heyhey...It has just dawned on me why i do all the crazy things i do. All my emotionally destructive behavior and ridiculous nonsense..both in the past and the present. And why i have this really weird attraction for living life in the extreme.

Oh, if u didn't know, i really admire the bengs for daring to go chop someone up in the name of their gang or "brudder". (crazy as it may sound, it's true) And that i really admire people who have really extreme tendencies...Why? The fact is that such acts are so extreme and extraordinary that they sometimes appear to border on stupidity but given the chance, would you or anyone else have to guts to carry it out for something u believe in? Say like to kill somebody? I couldn't...and wouldn't. So in a rather warped way, it's really quite admirable, isn't it...to really carry out something you believe in all the way?

Basically, it all boils down to a very simple reason. I hate the feeling of being emotionally stagnant. Of being so typical. And boring. Yes, I hate being boring. Not to mention being bored. I so totally get why i keep dating people who are so different from me...and doing all the stuff i shouldn't be doing. Like what, you say? Well, let's just leave everything to ur imagination. Come ascertain the facts with me if u really want to know..

I really think i need to get myself out of this emotionally vicious cycle. For my own sake. I just got to stop doing stuff just for the kicks! Sigh. I can, contrary to popular belief, get bored of being contented. Despite all my complaining, my bf is actually quite a nice guy. He's got a relatively good temper, tolerates my nagging, and my nonsense, entertains me and most importantly, lets me piss him off. Haha. I know, this is quite the revelation of the year. Thank you.

In anycase, I gotta learn how to be happy with what I have, and to stop looking for quick emotional highs. I gotta stop going to the "bad boy" thing. Shit. Pointers, anybody?

XxX,

audrey at 01:52

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