Sunday, November 21, 2004
Reliving my techno days...and a tribute to my ex!
I'm supposed to be studying for my bahasa test..oops, should relabelled as
EXAM tomo but just cant seem to get into the mood. I'm doing everything else except study. Which is very bad. Very bad indeed.
Right now, i'm listening to a techno track in a cd given to me by my ex-BF. For kicks, I put the disc into the CD player and..I was instantly transported back to the year
1999. The phrase in my life when i was perpetually geared in killer platforms (k, its a little embarrassing to admit it now..but i
was a great fan of platforms. No prizes for guess why.) and a micro-mini top. To think about it, I've come a long way, baby. Can't decide if there's a hidden ah lian in me somewhere..or is this another no-brainer question? Hmm..haha! I guess there must be!
Recently, I've been dogged by
nostalgia. Sorry, I know..I'm sorta flogging a dead horse but i really can't help it. And hey! It's
MY blog! :P I guess I'm finally coming to terms that Edmund is really dead and gone. It's been about 8 months since he passed away. Frankly, it is difficult for me to pass a day without thinking of him. Okay, this seems like the ultimate emotional betrayal to my current squeeze, but I really can't help it. It's not as if I want to get back, I don't. I just find it really sad that he's gone. I really don't know what is it that I find sad...we had not been in contact for more than a year before his death so there's really nothing of him to miss from my life. So what is it??
I guess, it is the
finality of death that really gets me.
There's always a second chance in life but none in death. Failed your exams? Just repeat the bloody year.
Got dumped? Win him back. What the heck, if you're really pissed, just slap the bugger and move on.
Got fired? Get another job.
Didn't succeed today? You can always try again tomorrow. I know this sounds really cliched and old, but there's no tomorrow for edmund.
I guess I really can't accept the fact that there's no turning back. No way of saying "thanks for all the good times, and that i forgive you now for being the bastard that caused me sleepless nights". No possibility of ever bumping into him in the streets with the girl he dumped me for and bitch about it to my gfs later. No chance. Zero possibility. Zilch.
It really
shit to listen to a song that we shared ( I can still imagine doing a silly boogie in the privacy of his room when my favourite techno song played), walk past a KTV joint, smell Hugo Dark Blue perfume, see a Phantom et cetera et cetera... and realize that
while I have all the chances in the world to do anything now and again in the future, someone else has already lived his life and used up all his chances.
And really, what's the point of reminiscing when there's nothing I can do about it? Ppl always say that I should just let the past go, but
should i really? Currently, my ex is nothing but a memory. If i let that go, what becomes of him in
a world that only has time for the here and now. Take it easy? I'm cool.
But this makes me wonder, when you are dead and gone, what do people remember you for? It's a really interesting question to ponder..when you are dead bored of course (no pun intended). Me? Well...I dunno.
Maybe I want to be remembered for my hyena laugh. My craziness. Zest for life. Silliness. Squeakiness. Long rebonded hair. Makeup. Frankness. Looking good (okay, so maybe more for thinking that i look good. Reality bites.) Fun. Nonsensical. Rubbishy. For being helpful. Being emotional. Love of shopping. Looking like an Ah Lian. Working for Starhub. Headstrong. Contradictory. Whiny. My siemens SL55 and cranky HP laptop.
Kk, enough. I sound like I'm going to die soon too.
Choy! And double CHOY! *bangs table for extra luck and protection*
Ahh..I feel better now. Since I can't say it to him, the next best recourse is to say it here... Thanks for the good times, you stupid bastard. I'll see u again in a few decades.
XxX,
audrey at 15:33